The Ted Chain Bottom 40 for 1997

Once again, J.J. Jammer has gone where no one in the Ted Chain would dare. J.J. listened to 500 tapes and afterward had to be rushed to the hospital after falling into a catatonic state. A pile of tapes and papers were found at his home, and we were able to piece together the following:

40. Adventure in the Dryer     Vomit
39. 11 O'Clock Tick Tock       Bad Display
38. Ode to Penalologists       Buttocks III
37. Orgasms in the Orient      Crass Idiocy
36. Unintelligible Trash       JJJammers
35. Running with the Devil     Tasteless Choice
34. Random Chord Massacre      JJJammers II
33. She's a Tease              Crass Idiocy
32. Just Like Paradise         Classical Ugandan Music
31. Willow Hill                JJJammers
30. I Have Three Heads         Natural Log
29. Beater's Bolero            Dick Beaters
28. Reverse Transfusion        Dr. Malpractis
27. Touch My Oatmeal and Stick 
      Your Fingers in the Bowl Rancid Oatmeal
26. Parachute Costume with Raw
      Meat                     Rotting Face
25. Inside Straight            12 Positions
24. Spousal Abuse              Depression Era
23. Genetic Engineering        Scientific Find
22. Bar-B-Q Now                Ted Team
21. View from the Electric 
      Chair                    Kapital Punishment
20. Get It Up                  Naked 9
19. Empty Streets              Ted On It All
18. To Be A Butt               Uranus Rising
17. Tribute to Indian          Ted's Buttocks
16. Body Fluid Soup Kitchen    Vomit
15. Deep Submersive Impulse    J.J.'s Buttocks
14. Cracks in My Underwear
      (Fire!)                  Absolute Value
13. Angle 10°                  12 Positions
12. Hollow Ween                Ted Team
11. Baloney                    San Diego Sandwich Factory Boys
10. What To Do                 Anarchist Women
 9. Rear Entry                 12 Positions
 8. Vibrating Face             Arm & Dildo
 7. Morbid Transmutation       JJJammers
 6. Arraigned But Acquitted    Name Not Released Band
 5. John Jones                 Liverworks
 4. Message to a Deaf Person   Absolute Value
 3. Sue Blues                  Natural Log
 2. Don't Do It                Last Supper
 1. Washing Machine            Ted Chain Ensemble

Ted Chain All Time Worst Song

By: Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer

This is the story behind "Washing Machine," recorded by the Ted Chain Ensemble at the Battle of the Buttocks, recently named the All Time Worst Ted Chain Song. This legendary song is so excruciatingly awful that Ted himself is the only person who has ever listened to it more than once.

The Battle of the Buttocks was planned as the last event in Ted Chain history. It was to feature a battle between two supergroups, Ted's Buttocks, and J.J.'s Buttocks. The finale was to be a massive jam on the Buttocks classic "Washing Machine," featuring dozens of Ted Chain musicians and Al Buttt himself, the musical genius behind the Buttocks.

As originally planned, the concert was to end with Ted setting his guitar on fire, just like Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967. This was pre-empted by several dramatic events, including the roof of the sloppily built Butt Palace caving in during the jam.

Problems began much earlier, however. After a preliminary tune-up and sound check, the heating system in the Butt Palace, which had been hastily constructed in Montgomery Village specially for this event, failed. The temperature inside the arena quickly fell to match the December freeze outside, falling about fifty degrees in two hours. This caused all of the guitars left on stage to go out of tune, a problem that was not discovered until after the Ted Chain Ensemble began playing. Even then, only about half of the musicians could hear through the TFA monitors well enough to know something was wrong. Their shouting and screaming at Ted added to the audio mayhem, but did not solve anything.

The most dramatic event occurred about halfway through the song, during Scott Bath Key's bass solo. No one knows for sure exactly what happened, except maybe Ted. As the roof fell in, Ted tried to jump from the stage, but tripped over his guitar cord and was trapped, along with his guitar, under his fallen TFA amplifier. The falling roof scattered most of the musicians and fans. Damage to the recording and mixing equipment resulted in Ted's guitar being turned all the way up in the mix, and everything else being turned down. For thirteen minutes, the most ear bleeding feedback ever heard on the face of the earth filled the disintegrating Butt Palace and sent the surviving musicians and fans running for their lives. Fortunately, (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) what Ted affectionately calls his ultimate musical statement, the "Feedback Solo", was captured on tape. Combine this with twenty five minutes of horrifically out of tune guitars and messily mixed drums, keyboards, and voices, and you have an exercise in hearing loss for anyone who dares to listen.

Copyright © 1997, J.J. Jammer
Copyright © 1997, The Ted Chain