The History of the Ted Chain

As told by: Ted and Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer


Currently, the Ted Chain's Family Tree is ended with 3 main groups, the Ted Team, the J.J.Jammers, and the Buttocks. The following history deals with the actions that led up to the forming of these three groups. The authors believe that this history is correct, and will ignore any letters sent to them.

The Chain's Beginnings

The Ted Chain includes many groups. A complete list of these groups, and the family tree is in Appendix A. The first group in the chain was formed sometime in 1978 and was appropriately named, The Leaping Lobster. This group didn't last as long as was expected. Ted's mom apparently didn't like the fact that all of the carpet in Ted's room was found torn to shreds after a practice session. Ted's mom was quoted as yelling, "TED!!", and can be heard on the only tape of the Lobster in existence ("Casons"). This did not slow Ted down at all. He then went on to form the Riverside Band.

The Riverside Band consisted of 9 players, all of which did not know how to play. The disco craze of the time led the vocal section of the Riverside band to be called the Gee Bee's after Ted's favorite band. When the Gee Bee's would sing, Riverside was called Riverside Down. That name was basically used for the instrumental part of the band. The two practice sessions that Riverside had, took place in 1978. The band was not doing too well, and we are lucky that no tapes were made.

Ted also did some solo, and duet work, sparked by hearing his pianist Brian Hershey play some new music. Brian and Ted performed the first double piano concerto ever to be heard on Burlingame Way. The tape still exists, and shows the increasing musical talents of Ted, as he pounds away at the high keys. The only instruments that Ted owned at the time, were a reed organ, and a Radio Shack electronic organ. Neither of these instruments could bring out his true musical talent, probably because he had none.

The Ted Team Pulls Together the Chain

The next band in the Chain is the one that called other bands to join. The Ted Team is an interesting band, with five members. Someone once said that the band sounds like one person playing a Casio VL-Tone. This is probably true, but I am not going to tell you the real truth. The Team is famous for their over-dubbing techniques, sound engineering expertise, and their synthesizer man, Southman. The members of the Team had not been in groups previously. Ted was the only exception (if you can call his past bands, bands). The only addition to Ted's instrument vocabulary, was his VL-Tone.

The Team recorded such albums as, Premier, HollowWeen, and Nife. Blue Boo Boo, started a music magazine that dealt with subjects such as the Team, members of the Chain, and the new hits released by Chain groups. The first issue of the magazine was April 1982, and all of four issues followed.

Ted's Recording Background

Professionals in the recording field, have found Ted's recording experience interesting, and a big help to the overall sound of the Team. His first tapes were made back in 1976 with a very cheap tape deck. Recordings of this time were primarily of his bird, and insane cuts from parts of his life. The first tape deck bit the dust due to unusual circumstances. Gary Carter, who was probably seven at the time, saw his dad driving up to his house. Gary's reaction was to scream, "HI DADDY", at the top of his lungs. The poor tape deck, after hearing the scream, decided to give up life. Further inspection of the unit took place in 1981, and revealed a melted record/play head.

In the summer of 1977, Ted's wish was finally granted. His father bought him a Radio Shack Minisette IV. It was purchased during the fall sale at the Shack (they always have the same sale on minisettes in the fall). The first tape, was of a baseball game in the court. This tape still exists along with the forty other tapes he made with the minisette. "I just can't erase tapes", Ted says.

September of 1980 brought a 100 Watt receiver with turntable, and cassette deck. This brought on high quality recordings from Ted Team Studios. The minisette broke sometime around 1980. Ted and his dad dug in, and fixed it. When the unit was reassembled, it did not work as well as it used to, and was rarely used. Acquiring of more equipment came in steps, until the complete equipment list in Appendix D was obtained.

The Selected: The J.J.Jammers

The J.J.Jammers came together in August of 1983. Their driving force was the fact that the Ted Chain would financially support any group that could make a decent sounding tape. The spark that started the Jammers was a Ted Team concert that "Little" Dick Beater, and J.J. Jammer had gone to see. After the concert, they said to themselves that they could play that kind of music.

The Jammers first album entitled "The Original", started their musical career. They went through a plethora of catastrophes and revolutions, before finally being rendered extinct by the death of "Little" Dick Beater. Beater, who had just moved to New Jersey, was taking a leave of absence from the Jammers to improve his somewhat lacking drumming skills. His body was found in front of his house, riddled with seventy bullets. In the little less than a year, that they were together, they achieved a tremendous amount.

The Jammers consisted of J.J. Jammer on guitar, organ, demonaics, and vocals, along with "Little" Dick Beater on drums, synthesizers, and sound effects. Their first sessions yielded much music, that was not released until October 1984.

After their "original" success, the Jammers returned to Jammers Studio in November 1983, and emerged a few minutes later with J.J.Jammers Volume 1. This revealed a new set of ideals for the group, who moved away from earlier themes of random noise towards an emphasis on humorous musicality. This highly related album, along with Volume 2 (released a few days later), had great music, not just noise.

Encouraged by their success, the Jammers traveled to the Butt Festival 1983, where they were to appear with the rest of the Ted Chain. Then the cataclysmic moment in Ted Chain history occurred, but will be covered in depth later.

Sadly, after the Festival, the problems started to draw in for the Jammers. There were problems before over the quality of Beater's random drum technique, but they came to a head on the pathetic Jammers album "Beater's Bolero". The album was originally intended as an example of the Jammers displaying their virtuoso talents. The album was never released, due to the fact that all but one of its fourteen tracks were erased by accident (or was it on purpose) by Beater in a moment of crass idiocracy. However, two fine albums were released some time later, after the Jammers were reconciled. These were, "Black Sabbath" on March 19, and "Soundtrack to Hell" on March 31. These revealed the Jammers in their satanic and drug crazed period. At one point in the recording, Beater struggled for seven minutes to introduce the band, repeatedly asking what the day and time were. He even forgot what band he was in, and who he was. Guitarist J.J. Jammer was heard screaming, "No I'm not drunk". Footage of the sessions showed him submerged in a toilet covered with Jack Daniels bottles. Beater was quoted as responding to a mixing problem by saying, "Well, we'll turn them down as we see fit." Beater was possessed by a strange spirit throughout the sessions. At various times, he can be heard saying, "I am Satan!" Despite all of this, the two albums produced some great music based on a Black Sabbath theme.

After the strain of these sessions, the Jammers took close to five months before the release of their final masterpiece, "Narrow Escape" which was a compilation of songs recorded between April and August of 1984. Narrow Escape revealed the Jammers in their best form on reworkings of the classics from Volumes 1 and 2. Their work was delayed because of Beater's forming of the Dick Beaters.

This marked the last recordings ever made of the Jammers. Sadly, numerous recordings that were rumored to be in existence were destroyed by Beater, who was depressed over his rapidly diminishing drum technique. The last thing Beater did before being shot in front of his house in New Jersey, was to say, "Please come for dinner", to a group of seventeen homosexual hit men sent to kill him. His last word was, "Ouch."

The Buttocks

With all the trial and tribulations of the Jammers behind us, we move on to the most phenomenal group in the history of music, the Buttocks.

The Buttocks III first came together at the Butt Festival 1983. The Ted Chain always has a festival of some sort during December. The festivals feature most of the groups in the Ted Chain. This festival was a special one. It was a tribute to the deceased Starvations (Blue Boo Boo September 1982), who left a void in the list of Ted Chain groups. Ted had come up with the name Buttocks, and decided to randomly pick one of the Chain groups to take the stage with him, and take on the name. The name picked from the huge cowboy hat (donated by Tex) was the J.J.Jammers. The crowd went wild, realizing that this could mean the end of the Chain. The riot that ensued resulted in fifty people dead in the crowd. No one on stage was injured, because of the electrified fence set up.

The album they recorded, "Live at the Butt Festival", turned out to be an excellent showcase for J.J.'s fiery guitar work. Ted, as usual, revealed his unbelievable vocal, sound engineer, and keyboarding talents. Even Beater, whose drum technique had always been highly questionable, turned in a blazing performance. However, he freaked out at one point, and Ted was forced to take over for a short amount of time.

The crowd at the Festival, upon hearing the talent on stage, changed their minds, and decided that the Buttocks would probably keep the Chain going beautifully. Two more concerts were planned, the Butt Session, and the Anal Connection. The Session, unfortunately, was canceled when the TFA stacks that melted during the Festival could not be replaced in time. The Anal Connection was a success, yielding tremendous sounds throughout.

Soon after the Connection, the awful happened, Beater was kicked out (he formed the pathetic Dick Beaters, who sickened fans with rude behaviour and lack of talent for close to four months before folding). No suitable replacement was found for a number of months. Rumored to be the replacement, were many of the top drummers in the Ted Chain. Finally, Bryan Frizzbrain of the All Drum Band was selected. Bassist Scott Bath Key, of the Bath Key Bangers, whose induction was rumored as early as the Connection, joined up in time for the Red Rectum. The Red Rectum was the first time the entire Buttocks IV had practiced together. Between the Connection, and the Rectum, J.J. and Ted, cut albums with many of the Buttocks new releases being tested on them.

The Rectum, in August 1984, was ironically only the day before Beater's mysterious death. It is rumored that Scott had more than a little to do with the death. Scott declined comment, except for making a statement about his new group, Hack Band.

Scott is not the only Buttock to indulge on the side. Bryan is still cutting unbelievable tracks with the ADB, in order to prove that he's still the best drummer within a five foot radius of wherever he is. J.J. played bass for the ill-fated Trashed Davenport who met their demise in an encounter with Hacksaw Incision. Davenport produced songs like, "Meshing of Garbage" and, "Douchebag Voice" before being incised.

J.J. also fronted Vomit, along with famous rhythm expert, Jack Anus of the Buttocks XIX. Vomit included its mascot, Monica Egghead, Telly Savalis on lead hair dryer, and many other noted musicians. The group folded when Jack died at a fart party in his apartment.

After the Rectum, Bryan took to Pizza Hut's enticement, and could not appear at all of the sessions. His rumored replacement was John Slut formerly of the 40% More band. He was denied membership when it was found out that he wanted to sneak in his own guitarist William "Fingerless" Deadpan. The Buttocks II continued along, hoping that Bryan would show up sometime.

The Butt Festival 1984 was set, and Bryan was planning on being there. Then the latest chapter in Buttocks history fell together abruptly. Beater returned from the grave in a vision while Ted was sleeping two nights before the Festival. Beater told Ted that he would be back to perform for the first anniversary of the Buttocks. When Ted woke up the next morning, he was sleeping on the ceiling. He told Bryan that the band had a drummer for the Festival, and that he could concentrate on ADB music. During the Festival, Beater's spirit mysteriously reappeared. The spirit played all through the concert, until Possession Chronicle. During the Chronicle, the spirit glowed a brilliant red, and sank into the ground. Mass rioting resulted when the spirit desecrated the stage during Guitar Madness.

It is not clear what the future holds for the Buttocks, but we are assured of a lot.

Appendix A

The Ted Chain Family Tree

Where is it?

Copyright ©1996, The Ted Chain