J.J. Jammer has graciously collected the statistics on sales and owner loyalty over the past 18 years of the Ted Chain, and these are the results. The 40 best songs produced by bands in the Ted Chain.
40. Tribute to Insanity JJJammers 39. Sudden Impact Richard's Fat Band 38. Burn In Hell Last Supper 37. Sit Down Forced Settlement 36. Jaws Anarchist Women 35. Man Smashed Elephant Stampede 34. Domestic Violence Gang Green 33. Fall on Uranus Buttocks II 32. Mr. Edwards the Spider Sudden Urgence 31. Ode to Faces Buttocks III 30. Narrow Escape JJJammers 29. I Ain't Got No Money Displaced Aggression (of Gaithersburg) 28. Oh My Gosh Babylonian Transfer 27. Bass In Space Ted On It All 26. Polyester Face JJJammers (Vol. I) 25. Casons Leaping Lobster 24. Tribute to Babylonian Transfer Buttocks III 23. Sex Line The Boyz 22. Vocal-Chord Blowout Crashed Davenport 21. Life Without a Soul, Death Without a Funeral JJJammers II 20. Are You Sure? Reality Band 19. Desert Snow Apathetics 18. Peek Inside Riverside Band 17. Root Canal Frenzy Dr. Malpractis 16. Indian Christmas Ted and Tom 15. Held Without Bond Name Not Released Band 14. Kill Yourself Big Toe 13. Romping Madmen JJJammers 12. Tribute to CCCB Buttocks II 11. Wenceslas Archdiocese 10. Infected By You Gang Green 9. Long Division Sectional 7 8. Love By The Sea XYZ 7. Missing Part Massectomy 7 6. Boom Boom BAM Bath Key Bangers 5. Monk Talk GoRiLlAs 4. Beefy Stew Anarchist Women 3. Revenge of the Cow People JJJammers 2. Purple Anus Buttocks III 1. Voices Absolute Value
In a surprising upset, Absolute Value makes it to number one on the Ted Chain Top 40. For the past 12 years, the Buttocks have held the coveted number one spot on the Top 40 with "Purple Anus," a cover of the Jimi Hendrix song, "Purple Haze." Absolute Value's biggest hit "Voices" now has this distinction and it can easily be attributed to the band's determination and hard work.
Absolute Value had its roots in a band called "Let's See Dick" (LSD). LSD featured Keith Richmond, former drummer for the Apathetics on Bass. Darrin Danner former vocalist for Anarchist Women took up guitar, and Andrew Kastello played drums. Newcomer to the Ted Chain, Dave Seifert lent his lyric writing and vocal talents to the band, providing his characteristic raw emotional power. Several songs popularized by Absolute Value were written by Dave, Darrin and Keith during their LSD period. Ed Seighman former lead guitarist for the Apathetics later replaced Keith on Bass and Absolute Value was born. Susan Ack formerly co-lead vocalist for the Apathetics also joined and sang on a couple of songs that were a bit out of Dave's range.
After several live performances, Absolute Value began recording their album, "I Can't Dance to Any of These" in October of 1989 in the depths of Southern Maryland. The initial recording took place at drummer Andrew Kastello's AK47 studios which doubled as a summer vacation home for his family. This home atmosphere is very apparent in the recording. During a break in the session, the members of Absolute Value went into the kitchen and started popping diuretics and laxatives. Dave almost overdosed and had to sit on the toilet for several hours. Ted produced and engineered the recording using a live approach and three really cheap microphones. "Never Again" was recorded live with vocals at AK47. The rest of the vocals were recorded at Ted Team Studios, St. Inigoes during November and December of 1989. A shipment of tape delayed by a snowstorm threatened the album's scheduled release date, but all went well and the album was finished in December.
Voices involved several special effects during the recording. During live performances by AV, Ted used a pitch shifter to get the famous "Satan Voice" out of Dave during the fast parts. For the recording he used the same approach and even inflicted bodily harm on Dave to get a more convincing performance. Darrin and Ted later added a recording of studio chatter and effects to the background of the song simulating the voices Dave was hearing at the time. Amongst the studio chatter, various lines from the critically acclaimed motion picture Putney Swope can be heard.
Absolute Value's obsession with weight loss has been detailed many
times in the press. After selling their first album, they dumped
the profits into "get-thin-quick" schemes all of which backfired.
Experimentation with weight-loss drugs often led to the
hospitalization of one or more of the members. Prior to the purchase
the entire band performed on treadmills. Darrin
and Ed added 15 pounds to the weight of their guitars by chiseling out
the bodies and pouring in molten lead. Though many tried to help,
Absolute Value continued this dangerous experimentation up until their
break up in 1991. They've all had a surprising recovery, and experts
say the obsessions were a side effect of the synergy that
existed between the members.
Copyright © 1997, J.J. Jammer
Copyright © 1997, Ted
Copyright © 1997, The Ted Chain