The Ted Chain All-Time Top 40 for 1997

J.J. Jammer has graciously collected the statistics on sales and owner loyalty over the past 18 years of the Ted Chain, and these are the results. The 40 best songs produced by bands in the Ted Chain.

40. Tribute to Insanity     JJJammers
39. Sudden Impact           Richard's Fat Band
38. Burn In Hell            Last Supper
37. Sit Down                Forced Settlement
36. Jaws                    Anarchist Women
35. Man Smashed             Elephant Stampede
34. Domestic Violence       Gang Green
33. Fall on Uranus          Buttocks II
32. Mr. Edwards the Spider  Sudden Urgence
31. Ode to Faces            Buttocks III
30. Narrow Escape           JJJammers
29. I Ain't Got No Money    Displaced Aggression (of Gaithersburg)
28. Oh My Gosh              Babylonian Transfer
27. Bass In Space           Ted On It All
26. Polyester Face          JJJammers (Vol. I)
25. Casons                  Leaping Lobster
24. Tribute to Babylonian
      Transfer              Buttocks III
23. Sex Line                The Boyz
22. Vocal-Chord Blowout     Crashed Davenport
21. Life Without a Soul, 
    Death Without a Funeral JJJammers II
20. Are You Sure?           Reality Band
19. Desert Snow             Apathetics
18. Peek Inside             Riverside Band
17. Root Canal Frenzy       Dr. Malpractis
16. Indian Christmas        Ted and Tom
15. Held Without Bond       Name Not Released Band
14. Kill Yourself           Big Toe
13. Romping Madmen          JJJammers
12. Tribute to CCCB         Buttocks II
11. Wenceslas               Archdiocese
10. Infected By You         Gang Green
 9. Long Division           Sectional 7
 8. Love By The Sea         XYZ
 7. Missing Part            Massectomy 7
 6. Boom Boom BAM           Bath Key Bangers
 5. Monk Talk               GoRiLlAs
 4. Beefy Stew              Anarchist Women
 3. Revenge of the Cow 
      People                JJJammers
 2. Purple Anus             Buttocks III
 1. Voices                  Absolute Value

Absolute Value number one in the Top 40

By: Jack Anus

In a surprising upset, Absolute Value makes it to number one on the Ted Chain Top 40. For the past 12 years, the Buttocks have held the coveted number one spot on the Top 40 with "Purple Anus," a cover of the Jimi Hendrix song, "Purple Haze." Absolute Value's biggest hit "Voices" now has this distinction and it can easily be attributed to the band's determination and hard work.

Absolute Value had its roots in a band called "Let's See Dick" (LSD). LSD featured Keith Richmond, former drummer for the Apathetics on Bass. Darrin Danner former vocalist for Anarchist Women took up guitar, and Andrew Kastello played drums. Newcomer to the Ted Chain, Dave Seifert lent his lyric writing and vocal talents to the band, providing his characteristic raw emotional power. Several songs popularized by Absolute Value were written by Dave, Darrin and Keith during their LSD period. Ed Seighman former lead guitarist for the Apathetics later replaced Keith on Bass and Absolute Value was born. Susan Ack formerly co-lead vocalist for the Apathetics also joined and sang on a couple of songs that were a bit out of Dave's range.

After several live performances, Absolute Value began recording their album, "I Can't Dance to Any of These" in October of 1989 in the depths of Southern Maryland. The initial recording took place at drummer Andrew Kastello's AK47 studios which doubled as a summer vacation home for his family. This home atmosphere is very apparent in the recording. During a break in the session, the members of Absolute Value went into the kitchen and started popping diuretics and laxatives. Dave almost overdosed and had to sit on the toilet for several hours. Ted produced and engineered the recording using a live approach and three really cheap microphones. "Never Again" was recorded live with vocals at AK47. The rest of the vocals were recorded at Ted Team Studios, St. Inigoes during November and December of 1989. A shipment of tape delayed by a snowstorm threatened the album's scheduled release date, but all went well and the album was finished in December.

Voices involved several special effects during the recording. During live performances by AV, Ted used a pitch shifter to get the famous "Satan Voice" out of Dave during the fast parts. For the recording he used the same approach and even inflicted bodily harm on Dave to get a more convincing performance. Darrin and Ted later added a recording of studio chatter and effects to the background of the song simulating the voices Dave was hearing at the time. Amongst the studio chatter, various lines from the critically acclaimed motion picture Putney Swope can be heard.

Absolute Value's obsession with weight loss has been detailed many times in the press. After selling their first album, they dumped the profits into "get-thin-quick" schemes all of which backfired. Experimentation with weight-loss drugs often led to the hospitalization of one or more of the members. Prior to the purchase of the Bun-O-Matic, the entire band performed on treadmills. Darrin and Ed added 15 pounds to the weight of their guitars by chiseling out the bodies and pouring in molten lead. Though many tried to help, Absolute Value continued this dangerous experimentation up until their break up in 1991. They've all had a surprising recovery, and experts say the obsessions were a side effect of the synergy that existed between the members. Copyright © 1997, J.J. Jammer
Copyright © 1997, Ted
Copyright © 1997, The Ted Chain