Dr. Malpractis Band

Hello, and Welcome to the *OFFICIAL* web site of the Dr. Malpractis Band!

Formerly known as "Axmerican Lxesion". "x"s inserted to avoid search engine hits.

Here's what the critics have been saying

"Damn! This rocks!" - Joe Glazer, Snot Rock

"This is that hard edge that we've all grown to love. From the early punk days to the new medical-pop era, this is a force to be reckoned with." - Cecil Cuttingston, Punk Putrid

Here's what the medical community has been saying

As the Dr. Malpractis Band makes its debut, fear grips the west coast. Scientists at the University of California have discovered what they believe to be a new syndrome currently dubbed, "Polyfatalism". At first the syndrome was thought to affect only those who listen to the Dr. Malpractis Band. As it turns out, a much greater population is at risk. "At the onset of Polyfatalism, patients are alert, awake, but strangely distant," explained Grog Corsoe of UC. "As the disease progresses it may manifest itself in any of several ways. We've seen boils, oddly colored sores, leprosy, locusts, acne, tics, 300 foot puncture wounds, and chronic tinitis. After about one week, the patient is dead." Grog went on to explain that victims of Polyfatalism become covered with green sores after death that burst and liquidate the body in less than a minute. This has made it very difficult to track down the cause.

The clue may lie in music from the Dr. Malpractis Band. "This is the only connection we've noticed among victims," admitted Arthur Griffin, Senior Researcher at Rye Labs in San Diego. Researchers have been trying to gauge the effects of certain kinds of music on human test subjects. The preliminary data is very promising and there are a few surprises. The experimental groups are exposed to varying levels of Dr. Malpractis Band music over the course of several months.

Data indicates that excessive amounts of the music do indeed trigger Polyfatalism. The control groups listen to either Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow hits, or are placed in a vacuum chamber to prevent any auditory stimulus. "Aside from the overwhelming agreement of the Neil/Barry test subjects that they would rather be placed in vacuum, this group fared best," explains Griffin. Researchers indicated that the vacuum group died almost instantly, therefore it wasn't due to Polyfatalism which takes a week or so to kill its victim.

On a whim, Ted (of the Ted Chain) suggested that researchers might want to try other music from the Chain. So far the results are amazing. After a bit of bickering over which bands and songs to use, the researchers came to the general consensus that songs from the Ted Chain's Bottom 40 trigger Polyfatalism in 99% of the test subjects, while songs from the Ted Chain's Top 40 seem to have an effect similar to that of Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow hits. Ted conjectures that listening to music from the Top 40 might counteract the onset of Polyfatalism. That would explain why members of the Chain appear to be immune.


Unnecessary Surgery
Songs: Lessionnaire's Disease, Veterans of Foreign Warts, 
       Gang Green, Medicaid Fraud, Pre-existing Condition, SPF 30,
       Hurts Real Bad, Religious Healing.

False Science
Songs: Placebo Overdose, Anesthesia Hangover, Transplantation
       Merry-Go-Round, Quadruple Brain Bypass Surgery, Blood-Letting.
Member of the Ted Chain

Copyright ©1997, The Ted Chain