Ted Chain Press Releases

Archdiocese Rises from the Ashes!
Film at 11.
September 11, 2007

Last Supper!
Ted has re-established contact with Last Supper vocalist Sean Dawson (or at least someone with the same name). To celebrate, he's created a new Last Supper page complete with Supper's two biggest hits. Check it out!
Wednesday, September 13, 2006

New Samples on the Sounds Page
Head on over to the Sounds of the Ted Chain page to check out the new song samples available. Ted's hosting service upped his limit to 200meg, so he's gone wild!
Tuesday, January 4, 2005

Ted Chain Enters The UK
Ted Chain regular Alasdair Brooks has written to inform Ted that the Ted Chain is now fully international. Alasdair's current band - Radio Free Europe - recently performed at the University of York Battle of the Bands (strangely enough, in York, England). Comprising the combined talents of Alasdair [keys/vocs], Paul 'happy' Jones [drums], Emma 'George' Harrison [bass/backing vocs], 'Sexy' Kieran Binnie [guitar/violin], and Roberto 'the Spaniard' Martinez-Espineira [guitar/vocs], Radio Free Europe are a 'mellow indie' band.

Rumours that Alasdair has partially betrayed the Ted Chain spirit by performing 'real' songs in a 'serious' manner - including even REM and Lou Reed covers - are sadly well-founded, although Alasdair has promised that their next gig will feature a cover of Spinal Tap's 'Gimme Some Money' and Kieran's legendary 'Pixie Song'. The latter will be sung by Emma and is about, well, Pixies.

More in keeping with the Chain spirit, Alasdair has attested to the fact that the most recent gig was a shambles, they had only rehearsed 5 times [twice with a drummer] and that he was appallingly out of tune during the first 10 seconds of the first song. Somehow, Radio Free Europe still contrived to come 3rd in their heat, but only the top two bands went through.

Check out the Battle of the Bands Site for more information....

Radio Free Europe BoB set list:

3 Minute Pop Song (Brooks)
Married to a Lazy Lover (Haines)
Strange Currencies (Mills/Berry/Buck/Stipe)
Catch me if you Can (Brooks)
Sweet Jane (Reed)
Wednesday, February 7, 2001

Christmas Pays!
Ted received his first royalty check from mp3.com today. The check for $70.50 covers sales of the Archdiocese Christmas CD and royalties for each time mp3.com visitors listened to Archdiocese' music. When asked how he would split up the money, Ted said, "It's mine, all mine! I'm going to exploit every single recording act I've had any involvement in, and Archdiocese is no exception!"

Careful examination of the mp3.com paystub revealed that approximately 10 1/3 copies of the Archdiocese Christmas CD have been sold for a total of $31.02. The rest of the money was from mp3.com's "Payback for Playback" promotion where artists are compensated for the number of times people play a band's songs on mp3.com (and put up with ads from Sephora). "I don't know who in their right mind bought one third of a copy of our album," says Ted, "but then I'm not really sure who in their right mind would buy the whole album." Ted vows that he will find the person who bought the fractional portion of an album and make sure they get a complete copy.

It was Ted's "Christmas Rocks!" mp3.com station that was the reason for the wild success of Archdiocese this Christmas. Ted discovered the secret to making a successful station on mp3.com. First, put your song at the top, so it's the first one (and possibly the only one) everyone listens to. Then put the most wildly popular song on mp3.com at the bottom of your station so people flocking to the wildly popular song will find your station, and consequently your song at the top. "I'm hoping to milk this scheme further next Christmas" said Ted after calming down from his previous fit. And yes, Ted now admits he's a "real" recording artist, "And don't forget, professional, too!"
Monday, January 29, 2001

Christmas Rocks!
Over the past two days, Ted has been sifting through thousands of recording acts on MP3.com (the official source for really bad music, and the Ted Chain) to find Christmas songs. Not just any Christmas songs. Christmas songs that ROCK! He then assembled all the tracks he found into a new radio station on MP3.com called (what else?) Christmas Rocks! "This was a very ambitious undertaking," said Ted, "There's a whole lot of Crap on MP3.com, but I was searching for a special kind of Crap. Basically, I was looking for Crap similar to Archdiocese." Well, he found a ton of Crap. The station stands at over 20 songs now, and continues to grow. Ted's hoping Christmas Rocks! will finally push Archdiocese over the $50 limit so he can actually get a check from MP3.com and say he's a "real recording artist."
Wednesday, November 15, 2000

Unfinished Interview with Dave Released
Over the past two years, Ted has been trying to interview Dave Chelsea-Seifert, best know for his lead vocal talents in Absolute Value, and Rancid Oatmeal. Essentially the interview has consisted of many answered and unanswered emails to Dave. Ted decided to release the interview today even though it is incomplete so Dave's fans wouldn't have to wait forever to learn about their favorite singer. "I've had a few death threats," said Ted. "I have too.... From Ted," said Dave.
Wednesday, November 15, 2000

Archdiocese on MP3.com
Last night, at 11pm, Christmas rockers, Archdiocese, appeared on MP3.com. After digitally re-mastering the original recordings, Ted was quoted as saying, "Archdiocese ROCKS in digital!" We're bracing for the backlash as innocent people are subjected to some of the finest (?) the Ted Chain has to offer. So far, 7 people have downloaded the songs, most of them were Ted's friends. "I think it will fizzle, then disappear as an anomaly in a new technological revolution", said Chad Mynhier, lead vocalist for Archdiocese. If you have a tape of the Archdiocese Christmas album, and you liked it, be careful. A CD may be available soon.
Wednesday, November 24, 1999

Tom Moran, The Interview
Ted has finally finished doctoring up the Interview of the Millenium with Tom Moran, one of the few "Real Musicians" in the purportedly music-related Ted Chain. Join Tom for a trip to 7-11 to try and get a Bacon Cheeseburger Big Bite, buy gas at the Exxon in Montgomery Village, and hear the intimate details of Tom's lesser known musical accidents.

"I hope the fans enjoy this approach to interviewing," said Ted, "We were both strapped into a very fast moving vehicle with failing brakes." One of the longest interviews on record for the Ted Chain, this one is not likely to become a book in the near future. "What you see is pretty much what was said, with a few editorial liberties, of course," said Ted. "It's already a book!" said Tom.
Friday, August 7, 1998

Pictures from the Archdiocese
To celebrate Ted's new scanner (Storm TotalScan), more pictures of Archdiocese from the "Showtunes" recording session are available on the Archdiocese page.
Friday, June 19, 1998

Lots More Stuff!
Ted must've been real bored today, 'cause now there's a whole bunch of new samples on the sounds page courtesy of Keith Richmond. J.J. Jammer's bio page has been updated with the list of J.J.'s unique qualities that was read by Ted at J.J.'s funeral.
Monday, June 15, 1998

Archdiocese at Ted Team Studios
Chad Mynhier will be at Ted Team Studios the weekend of June 5 to begin laying down vocal tracks for Archdiocese' new album of Showtunes. Ted: "We expect to complete two or three songs during the weekend. Chad's singing style is very strenuous and requires many takes to get the right sound. We usually go through a case of cookies and milk to achieve that vocal quality." Aside from the tremendous weight-gain, Chad is looking forward to the recording. "The fans have been restless. I've been restless. The vocal chords are restless. Basically there hasn't been much rest lately."

Instead of an album, Ted is considering releasing an EP or a single. Chad will probably not be available again for recording in the next 5 years. As for live shows, Chad says, "Forget it. We'd have to do the Milli-Vanilli thing and lip-sync. I don't think anyone would pay to see that."
Thursday, May 28, 1998

Get Real
Ted has converted all the audio clips on the Sounds Page to RealAudio 5.0 format. Click here to download the latest RealAudio player. "I tried the new 5.0 version of the RealAudio Encoder, and I was impressed with the sound quality. Much better than 3.0, but still pretty bad overall. A perfect blend for the Chain." Ted also indicated that the space savings will help make more audio clips available in the future. "The soundcard in my studio PC won't record. It has great recording specs, but it won't record. It's one of those junky Mwave cards. When I get a new soundcard I'll start capturing more of the essence of the Chain." Ted went on to say, "Some of the archive tapes are getting really old and are falling apart. We need to record them before something really important is lost." Ted mentioned the Riverside Connection's original recording of Bar-B-Q as one of the tapes that had broken due to age. Although no new samples were made available Ted was able to provide an extended version of the Rancid Oatmeal audio clip.
Tuesday, May 19, 1998

More Tom!
Pieces of Tom's huge interview with Ted are starting to leak. Not that Ted has been storing liquid in them, but check out the new info in Tom's Bio Page. Straight from the transcript of the interview. Look for the official version of the interview, coming soon (-er or later).
Thursday, March 26, 1998

Al Buttt's Taily Day Live!
Al Buttt will be performing live in Glasgow, Scotland for his Taily Day Live concert on April 2. Several large paper mache' buttocks have been procured for the event. Few people are familiar with Scotland's traditional "day of the butt" which follows April Fool's day. "We're hoping to continue the internationalization of the Chain. What better place?" said Al in a press conference. Al will be playing a set of Buttocks.
Thursday, March 26, 1998

J.J. Jammer Flushed

Wednesday, December 10, 1997

Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer died today while performing in the Silent Tour. A freak accident involving an old lady caused the flatbed truck to swerve and drag J.J. to his death. Click here to read Jack Anus' report.

The entire Chain mourns the loss of this very influential and important member. A gathering to honor J.J. will be held this weekend at Jammer's Studio in Rockville, MD. Ted will deliver the eulogy and some poetry. Each member of the Chain will then have a chance to say a few words about J.J.. The ceremony will be closed to the public.

Alasdair Forced into a Corner

Friday, November 28, 1997

The interview of the century is finally complete. Find out everything you never wanted to know about Alasdair and the phenomenal Big Toe. Alasdair reveals the drinking habits and songwriting secrets used during his time with Big Toe and other famous groups. Lots of mud-slinging at John Renal, too!

Tom Moran Exposed

Sunday, October 26, 1997

Tom's new biography page is off to a spectacular start. Catch candid pictures of Tom as a member of KISS, and playing with old people. This is a must-see for fans of the multi-talented Ted Chain drummer extraordinaire.

Dr. Malpractis Band Success Overestimated

Friday, October 10, 1997

Based on the stronger than expected sales of Unnecessary Surgery, the Dr. Malpractis Band was rushed into the studio this week to record the follow up album, False Science. Today, accountants for the Ted Chain discovered that the Dr. Malpractis Band band members had gone on a buying frenzy, borrowing money from loan sharks at 300% interest, and buying out the entire first pressing of their own album. If their sophomore album does not go multi-platinum, band members may be forced to go into permanent exile in third world countries to avoid having their hands and fingers shut in car doors by enforcers of the loan sharks.

Dr. Malpractis Band Poised for Huge Success

October 3, 1997

Despite a few medical problems, the Dr. Malpractis Band is on its way to being a big seller. Read all about it on the OFFICIAL Dr. Malpractis Band web page.

New Ted Chain Logo

October 1, 1997

To celebrate the new fiscal year, Ted has produced a new Ted Chain logo. Now you can have your very own really ugly picture of Ted (what other kind of Ted picture is there?) right on your web page to show that you are proud to be associated with the Chain. Ted expects sales to soar with the help of this new promotional vehicle. "I found the best picture I had from about 1986, and didn't retouch it in any way." Why are we not surprised?

Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer Drowns in Holy Water

September 15, 1997

Today, J.J. Jammer announces the release of "Drowning in Holy Water", the debut album of his new extreme metal project Excommunicated.

J.J. says: "I'm a big fan of extreme metal, be it black/death/nordic/grindcore or whatever. Over the years I've seen literally hundreds of extreme metal bands perform and have collected thousands of records, tapes and cd's of these groups. Unfortunately, after being subject to a few too many jackhammer ensembles, I concluded that there was one big problem with this style of music - 99% of the time the musicians themselves are the only ones who know what song they are playing (or if they are even playing a song at all). So this project was designed to elimimate the pretention and mystery of the genre while not sacrificing the power. I handle one guitar, and I recruited two old friends, Mr. ? and Count XYZ (both of the legendary "Name Not Released Band") on second guitar and bass, respectively.

"We recorded 10 tracks of absolute ultra brutal extreme metal - now here's the catch - every track is the exact same thing - 3:59 of us thrashing on a low C sharp (what I have my guitar tuned to these days) with the drum machine on the fastest tempo it can handle. OK? No chord changes, no tempo changes, no rhythm changes, no melodies, no lyrics (the vocals consist of me groaning into the mic). You've heard of the random chord technique? Well this is the solitary chord technique.

"We also eliminated some of the most overused elements of the genre - there are no cheesy keyboard intros, no eclectic musical instruments, no choirs singing in foreign languages. Just us banging our heads and instruments as fast as we can.

"The first track is called "Drowning in Holy Water." The second, which is called "I Damn You, One By One", is the exact same thing as the first, only with a different title. The third, "As Your Soul Melts", is similarly the exact same thing as the first. That's how the rest go too - they're all the exact same thing but with different titles. No pretention, no mystery. We're letting the fans know exactly what they're getting, and giving it to them good."

J.J. will be touring with the "All Banned Band" later this month. Fans may get a chance to hear one or two of J.J.'s latest songs during the tour.

Silent Tour Begins This Month

September 2, 1997

A new Ted Chain Supergroup dubbed the "All Banned Band" will be touring Washington D.C. and vicinity starting this month. The lineup includes Ted, J.J. Jammer, Scott Bath Key, Al Buttt, and Jack Anus.

What's an "All Banned Band"? Al explains: "Between the five of us, we've been banned from performing in every arena, nightclub, bar, and public place within a one hundred mile radius of DC. Nonetheless, we're going to tour the area and record a live album. Both the album and tour are called "The Right to Remain Silent."

Al continues: "For logistic reasons, we're going to be playing the parking lots of fast food restaurants and convenience stores. How are we gonna do it? Well, the stage is actually going to be the back of a flatbed truck. We'll set everything up on it-drums, amps, etc. Obviously we don't have the required permits to play loud rock-n-roll in public places, so it'll be a matter of rolling in, cranking out as many tunes as we can, and getting the hell out before the authorities arrive.

"Ted, whose genius never fails to amaze me, has planned the whole tour out and has even created an encrypted tour itinerary for our fans. The whole thing kicks off at the end of September, and depending on how the first few weeks go (i.e. how many times we get shut down and how much we pay in fines) it may run on into the new year."

Ted Chain Classics Get Dead Air Airing

Friday, May 9, 1997

Top Ted Team Studios classics from Big Toe, The CarParks and Xmas rockers Archdiocese were played this friday on the top-rated University Radio York (URY) show "The Dead Air Radio Experiment". "It was Tedtastic!" said D.A.R.E presenter Alasdair Brooks. Listener reaction was hard to gauge - largely due to Alasdair's consistant refusal to take any phone calls - but one close associate was heard to remark "You're mad. You're a loony. Bonkers." Quainter English idioms, mostly unknown to Americans, were also used.

"The Ted Team Studios special Special was a special success" Alasdair later remarked in an interview with himself. "It was only marred by the quixotic lack of any major cool tunage from Absolute Value or the Buttocks. Incidentally, did I mention that it was Tedtastic?" At this point, the men in white coats came to take Alasdair away. The Dead Air Radio Experiment is broadcast on URY (999Khz) every Friday from 1-3 pm. A transcript of Alasdair's interview with Ted is available.

Ted Chain Music to be Aired Overseas

Sunday, May 4, 1997

Alasdair M. Brooks formerly of Big Toe has announced the tentative program schedule for his airing of the CarParks and Archdiocese on The University of York's radio station URY in the UK. "I am pleased to announce that both will receive full radio exposure on Friday, May 9th between 13:00 and 15:00 GMT." Alasdair will keep us informed of public reaction and outcry in response to this initial Ted Chain international exposure. "I've always felt we could make it over there," said Ted, "This will be the true test."

Jack Anus releases interview with Al Buttt

Monday, March 10, 1997

Jack talks to Al Buttt, the mysterious "Genius Behind the Buttocks." Al gives details of his early years at M.I. Evel Highschool for Juvenile Delinquents and gives a first-hand account of his experience in Hell. "I've been eagerly awaiting the chance to talk to Jack. Buttocks fans throughout the world will appreciate the new insight into the whole Buttock phenomenon." Another book in the making, Jack informs us that this interview went on for two weeks and yielded over a thousand pages. He distilled it down to just under ten for publication here.

Construction begins today on Ted Team Studios Adamstown

Monday, February 17, 1997

Today Ted Team Studios Montgomery Village is officially closed as construction has begun on the new facility in Adamstown. Ted will be preparing for the move which is scheduled to be completed by Sunday, March 9, 1997. Ted Team Studios Adamstown will officially open for chaos as usual Saturday, March 22, 1997. Chad Mynhier of Archdiocese will be in the studio on opening day to begin work on the next Archdiocese album, "Arch Deluxe" which is rumored to be a collection of show tunes done in the inimitable Archdiocese style. An informal Ted Chain get-together is planned for sometime in April to introduce the new facility. An impromtu jam session would not be surprising and a reunion of three- fourths of Anarchist Women may be in the works.

J.J. Jammer releases Top/Bottom 40 lists

Thursday, January 2, 1997

After several months of tabulating votes and sales figures, J.J. Jammer has completed two lists encompassing the best and the worst of Ted Chain music. The last attempted ranking in 1985 had been the only ranking available until now. Unfortunately J.J.'s work has had an adverse affect on his health and he was unavailable for comment. The new lists are very up to date and contain several groups that were formed in the last three years. In addition, Jack Anus and J.J. have written articles explaining the circumstances surrounding the number one songs in each category.

The lists are available now along with J.J.'s article on the #1 worst song. Jack's article is still in the works, but should be available shortly.

Alasdair and Ted announce new project and the Chain goes international.

Monday November 25, 1996

Alasdair M. Brooks and Ted were in Ted Team Studios, Montgomery Village this past Saturday, recording some of Alasdair's new material. "We're taking the Archdiocese approach this time," said Ted, "with fewer effects on the vocals."

The project started out as a 12-song extravaganza, but quickly deteriorated into a one song production with an additional "unplugged" performance by Alasdair. "It was really amazing," said Alasdair, "We unplugged my keyboard from the wall, and it just kept making noises."

The recording should be released early in December. The band is tentatively named, "The Car Parks". Alasdair is going to the UK at the end of the year to support the release of the recording. This will be the first International release of a Ted Chain recording. Alasdair will also be coordinating the release of Archdiocese' album in the UK.

New Chain tape and interview released.

Tuesday October 15, 1996.

Ted announces the release of the Ted Chain Retrospective '86-'96. After spending 11 hours this Saturday, locked in Ted Team Studios, Montgomery Village, Ted emerged with a cassette containing a full (very full) 90 minutes of noise, semi-music, and banter. "It's sort of a 'Best Of' for the deranged," said Ted.

Simultaneous with the release of this is the release of Jack Anus' interview with the legendary Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer of Buttocks fame. After what some would call a "Sudden Absence" from the Chain scene, J.J. Jammer is back to tell the tale as only he can remember it. J.J. says: "I sat down with Jack, had a few drinks, and discussed the Ted Chain and my place in its history. I give candid accounts of famous events, and discuss the legendary 'lost years' I spent away from the Chain. This is must reading for every Chain fan."

Rumor has it that there is more in the works from these two.

New interview with Ted released.

February 13, 1996.

Jack Anus has just released his interview with Ted, the founder of the Ted Chain. In this interview, Ted will blow the covers off some of the best kept secrets of the Ted Chain. "["Little" Dick] Beater will probably kill me when he reads this," said Ted.

Some of the lesser known periods of Ted's music career are described in detail as Ted rambles on. The original interview was over 600 pages, but Jack pared it down quite a bit. "We might do a book with the remaining material," said Jack.

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