Wednesday, December 10, 1997
Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer died today while performing in the Silent Tour. A freak accident involving an old lady caused the flatbed truck to swerve and drag J.J. to his death. Click here to read Jack Anus' report.
The entire Chain mourns the loss of this very influential and important member. A gathering to honor J.J. will be held this weekend at Jammer's Studio in Rockville, MD. Ted will deliver the eulogy and some poetry. Each member of the Chain will then have a chance to say a few words about J.J.. The ceremony will be closed to the public.
Friday, November 28, 1997
The interview of the century is finally complete. Find out everything you never wanted to know about Alasdair and the phenomenal Big Toe. Alasdair reveals the drinking habits and songwriting secrets used during his time with Big Toe and other famous groups. Lots of mud-slinging at John Renal, too!
Sunday, October 26, 1997
Tom's new biography page is off to a spectacular start. Catch candid pictures of Tom as a member of KISS, and playing with old people. This is a must-see for fans of the multi-talented Ted Chain drummer extraordinaire.
Friday, October 10, 1997
Based on the stronger than expected sales of Unnecessary Surgery, the Dr. Malpractis Band was rushed into the studio this week to record the follow up album, False Science. Today, accountants for the Ted Chain discovered that the Dr. Malpractis Band band members had gone on a buying frenzy, borrowing money from loan sharks at 300% interest, and buying out the entire first pressing of their own album. If their sophomore album does not go multi-platinum, band members may be forced to go into permanent exile in third world countries to avoid having their hands and fingers shut in car doors by enforcers of the loan sharks.
October 3, 1997
Despite a few medical problems, the Dr. Malpractis Band is on its way to being a big seller. Read all about it on the OFFICIAL Dr. Malpractis Band web page.
October 1, 1997
To celebrate the new fiscal year, Ted has produced a new Ted Chain logo. Now you can have your very own really ugly picture of Ted (what other kind of Ted picture is there?) right on your web page to show that you are proud to be associated with the Chain. Ted expects sales to soar with the help of this new promotional vehicle. "I found the best picture I had from about 1986, and didn't retouch it in any way." Why are we not surprised?
September 15, 1997
Today, J.J. Jammer announces the release of "Drowning in Holy Water", the debut album of his new extreme metal project Excommunicated.
J.J. says: "I'm a big fan of extreme metal, be it black/death/nordic/grindcore or whatever. Over the years I've seen literally hundreds of extreme metal bands perform and have collected thousands of records, tapes and cd's of these groups. Unfortunately, after being subject to a few too many jackhammer ensembles, I concluded that there was one big problem with this style of music - 99% of the time the musicians themselves are the only ones who know what song they are playing (or if they are even playing a song at all). So this project was designed to elimimate the pretention and mystery of the genre while not sacrificing the power. I handle one guitar, and I recruited two old friends, Mr. ? and Count XYZ (both of the legendary "Name Not Released Band") on second guitar and bass, respectively.
"We recorded 10 tracks of absolute ultra brutal extreme metal - now here's the catch - every track is the exact same thing - 3:59 of us thrashing on a low C sharp (what I have my guitar tuned to these days) with the drum machine on the fastest tempo it can handle. OK? No chord changes, no tempo changes, no rhythm changes, no melodies, no lyrics (the vocals consist of me groaning into the mic). You've heard of the random chord technique? Well this is the solitary chord technique.
"We also eliminated some of the most overused elements of the genre - there are no cheesy keyboard intros, no eclectic musical instruments, no choirs singing in foreign languages. Just us banging our heads and instruments as fast as we can.
"The first track is called "Drowning in Holy Water." The second, which is called "I Damn You, One By One", is the exact same thing as the first, only with a different title. The third, "As Your Soul Melts", is similarly the exact same thing as the first. That's how the rest go too - they're all the exact same thing but with different titles. No pretention, no mystery. We're letting the fans know exactly what they're getting, and giving it to them good."
J.J. will be touring with the "All Banned Band" later this month. Fans may get a chance to hear one or two of J.J.'s latest songs during the tour.
September 2, 1997
A new Ted Chain Supergroup dubbed the "All Banned Band" will be touring Washington D.C. and vicinity starting this month. The lineup includes Ted, J.J. Jammer, Scott Bath Key, Al Buttt, and Jack Anus.
What's an "All Banned Band"? Al explains: "Between the five of us, we've been banned from performing in every arena, nightclub, bar, and public place within a one hundred mile radius of DC. Nonetheless, we're going to tour the area and record a live album. Both the album and tour are called "The Right to Remain Silent."
Al continues: "For logistic reasons, we're going to be playing the parking lots of fast food restaurants and convenience stores. How are we gonna do it? Well, the stage is actually going to be the back of a flatbed truck. We'll set everything up on it-drums, amps, etc. Obviously we don't have the required permits to play loud rock-n-roll in public places, so it'll be a matter of rolling in, cranking out as many tunes as we can, and getting the hell out before the authorities arrive.
"Ted, whose genius never fails to amaze me, has planned the whole tour out and has even created an encrypted tour itinerary for our fans. The whole thing kicks off at the end of September, and depending on how the first few weeks go (i.e. how many times we get shut down and how much we pay in fines) it may run on into the new year."
Friday, May 9, 1997
Top Ted Team Studios classics from Big Toe, The CarParks and Xmas rockers Archdiocese were played this friday on the top-rated University Radio York (URY) show "The Dead Air Radio Experiment". "It was Tedtastic!" said D.A.R.E presenter Alasdair Brooks. Listener reaction was hard to gauge - largely due to Alasdair's consistant refusal to take any phone calls - but one close associate was heard to remark "You're mad. You're a loony. Bonkers." Quainter English idioms, mostly unknown to Americans, were also used.
"The Ted Team Studios special Special was a special success" Alasdair later remarked in an interview with himself. "It was only marred by the quixotic lack of any major cool tunage from Absolute Value or the Buttocks. Incidentally, did I mention that it was Tedtastic?" At this point, the men in white coats came to take Alasdair away. The Dead Air Radio Experiment is broadcast on URY (999Khz) every Friday from 1-3 pm. A transcript of Alasdair's interview with Ted is available.
Sunday, May 4, 1997
Alasdair M. Brooks formerly of Big Toe has announced the tentative program schedule for his airing of the CarParks and Archdiocese on The University of York's radio station URY in the UK. "I am pleased to announce that both will receive full radio exposure on Friday, May 9th between 13:00 and 15:00 GMT." Alasdair will keep us informed of public reaction and outcry in response to this initial Ted Chain international exposure. "I've always felt we could make it over there," said Ted, "This will be the true test."
Monday, March 10, 1997
Jack talks to Al Buttt, the mysterious "Genius Behind the Buttocks." Al gives details of his early years at M.I. Evel Highschool for Juvenile Delinquents and gives a first-hand account of his experience in Hell. "I've been eagerly awaiting the chance to talk to Jack. Buttocks fans throughout the world will appreciate the new insight into the whole Buttock phenomenon." Another book in the making, Jack informs us that this interview went on for two weeks and yielded over a thousand pages. He distilled it down to just under ten for publication here.
Monday, February 17, 1997
Today Ted Team Studios Montgomery Village is officially closed as construction has begun on the new facility in Adamstown. Ted will be preparing for the move which is scheduled to be completed by Sunday, March 9, 1997. Ted Team Studios Adamstown will officially open for chaos as usual Saturday, March 22, 1997. Chad Mynhier of Archdiocese will be in the studio on opening day to begin work on the next Archdiocese album, "Arch Deluxe" which is rumored to be a collection of show tunes done in the inimitable Archdiocese style. An informal Ted Chain get-together is planned for sometime in April to introduce the new facility. An impromtu jam session would not be surprising and a reunion of three- fourths of Anarchist Women may be in the works.
Thursday, January 2, 1997
After several months of tabulating votes and sales figures, J.J. Jammer has completed two lists encompassing the best and the worst of Ted Chain music. The last attempted ranking in 1985 had been the only ranking available until now. Unfortunately J.J.'s work has had an adverse affect on his health and he was unavailable for comment. The new lists are very up to date and contain several groups that were formed in the last three years. In addition, Jack Anus and J.J. have written articles explaining the circumstances surrounding the number one songs in each category.
The lists are available now along with J.J.'s article on the #1 worst song. Jack's article is still in the works, but should be available shortly.
Monday November 25, 1996
Alasdair M. Brooks and Ted were in Ted Team Studios, Montgomery Village this past Saturday, recording some of Alasdair's new material. "We're taking the Archdiocese approach this time," said Ted, "with fewer effects on the vocals."
The project started out as a 12-song extravaganza, but quickly deteriorated into a one song production with an additional "unplugged" performance by Alasdair. "It was really amazing," said Alasdair, "We unplugged my keyboard from the wall, and it just kept making noises."
The recording should be released early in December. The band is tentatively named, "The Car Parks". Alasdair is going to the UK at the end of the year to support the release of the recording. This will be the first International release of a Ted Chain recording. Alasdair will also be coordinating the release of Archdiocese' album in the UK.
Tuesday October 15, 1996.
Ted announces the release of the Ted Chain Retrospective '86-'96. After spending 11 hours this Saturday, locked in Ted Team Studios, Montgomery Village, Ted emerged with a cassette containing a full (very full) 90 minutes of noise, semi-music, and banter. "It's sort of a 'Best Of' for the deranged," said Ted.
Simultaneous with the release of this is the release of Jack Anus' interview with the legendary Jefferson Jackson "J.J." Jammer of Buttocks fame. After what some would call a "Sudden Absence" from the Chain scene, J.J. Jammer is back to tell the tale as only he can remember it. J.J. says: "I sat down with Jack, had a few drinks, and discussed the Ted Chain and my place in its history. I give candid accounts of famous events, and discuss the legendary 'lost years' I spent away from the Chain. This is must reading for every Chain fan."
Rumor has it that there is more in the works from these two.
February 13, 1996.
Jack Anus has just released his interview with Ted, the founder of the Ted Chain. In this interview, Ted will blow the covers off some of the best kept secrets of the Ted Chain. "["Little" Dick] Beater will probably kill me when he reads this," said Ted.
Some of the lesser known periods of Ted's music career are described in detail as Ted rambles on. The original interview was over 600 pages, but Jack pared it down quite a bit. "We might do a book with the remaining material," said Jack.
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